Knife of dreams summary:
by Paetram from Wotmania
Galad: I must kill Valda. Rumor has it he assaulted and killed my mother. Could it be she is still alive? No, nine out of ten Morgase rumors turn out to be true. It's statistically indisputable.
Valda: Your mother smells of elderberries, and your father was a hamster.
Galad: Die!
Valda: [dies]
Galad: Now, that's done. Men, we must ally ourselves with the witches to drive out these invaders. Are you with me?
Followers: These witches are our enemies, but, as it is written, sometimes you must ally with the lizard against the mongoose. Or was it ally with the salamander against the hedgehog? No, that wasn't it...
Galad: We ride!
Suroth: I can't sleep. I must know if Tuon lives. I think she might be dead, but I can't be sure. I hope she's dead, but if she is, the Empress sure will be mad. She might only have seven of my fingers cut off. The Empress is merciful, might she live forever.
Liandrin: [entering] Have I not been useful, mistress?
Suroth: No; please report for your hourly beating.
Liandrin: Oh, thank you, mistress. [runs off excitedly]
Semirhage: I am made of fire. Cower in fear, mortal! The Empress is dead; want her job?
Suroth: [soils herself] I guess so...
Semirhage: Kill the Daughter of the Nine Moons. Let the Lord of Chaos rule. Raise the banner of the Five Tomatoes. Am I forgetting anything? Carry on.
Tsutama: Sashalle says Logain is no longer gentled.
Red Aes Sedai: [gasp!]
Tsutama: She also says he has joined with al'Thor.
Red Aes Sedai: [gasp!]
Tsutama: She also says sisters have sworn fealty to the boy.
Red Aes Sedai: [gasp!]
Tsutama: She then goes on to say that one of these Asha'man have "healed" several stilled sisters.
Red Aes Sedai: [all collapse to the floor]
Tsutama: I have decided we must bond these curious Asha'man. Who's with me?
Alviarin: Nobody loves me, and Mesaana wants to kill me. The Great Lord is protecting me, though. Aren't I the lucky one?
Galina: I will have my revenge. I must remove these oaths. What's this--I've been kidnapped!
Perrin: Who are you?
Galina: I am Aes Sedai. Now, take me back to my captors, I have the situation well in hand. [back at the Shaido camp] I'm only a little late, Therava.
Therava: Well, in that case I will only beat you 9,999 times.
Egwene: I am a dreamer. There is an impending Seanchan attack on the White Tower.
Silviana: That's nice, dear.
Readers: This prologue sure is running a little on the long side. When does the book begin? We want Moiraine!
Exiled Aes Sedai: Our Amyrlin is drowned! We're doomed!
Chesa: [sobs uncontrollably]
Siuan: I'm sleepy.
Dream Egwene: I'm not dead.
Siuan: [waking up] What's that smell? No matter. I must get to work reblackening Gareth Bloody Bryne's black boots--the multitudes of injured outside can wait. [to stableboy] Find me your mildest horse.
Stableboy: Take Nightlily, if it pleases you.
Siuan: It doesn't. Now, I'm off to tell the Salidar leaders about Egwene and Leanna.
Lelaine: It would be ... unfortunate ... if some "accident" befell our dear leader. Purely by accident, of course, and not by the deliberate act of someone working for me or any of my allies. If, for example, she was found in her room with her throat cut...
Siuan: I don't trust Lelaine for some reason, but why?
Mattin Stepaneos: What do be going on around here? I am the King of Illian! What is the meaning of this outrage?
Elaida: This is not a kidnapping. You are an honored guest of the White Tower. You are not part of any ongoing or past Aes Sedai scheme.
Mattin Stepaneos: Then how do you explain these steel manacles on my hands, and chains around my ankles?
Elaida: Ah. Not all visitors to the White Tower are fitted with the "chains of honor." Consider yourself a very lucky man, my dear king.
Mattin Stepaneos: What of this prisoner uniform I do be wearing, eh, Aes Sedai?
Elaida: The Exalted Robes of Magnificence? [to Cariandre] I think he's on to us; we don't dare tell him the truth--that would be too simple. Is the "alien abduction" story ready yet?
Moridin: You will do as I say. First, you will watch for these two ta'veren, whom I have purposefully failed to reveal to you for several years, and kill them on sight. You will not kill Rand al'Thor. That is, unless at some future time I say you should. But, I may at any time retract that order if I so choose, with or without notification. Also, at any time, Shaidar Haran may reverse any of my previous orders, except on Tuesdays. In the latter case, he must fill out and submit form 15B to my secretary [points to a smartly-dressed zomara sitting at a desk in the corner]. Failure to comply with these instructions will result in immediate revocation of your evil minion license.
Graendal: This Shadow bureaucracy... In the old days you simply cut an old woman's throat--no papers to sign. Those were good times...
Perrin: I heard you have something that can knock out channelers. Here's an order from the High Lady Suroth herself to the effect that you must do anything I say.
Tylee: If I may ask, aren't you worried that she might be revealed as a traitor or Darkfriend in a future chapter of this series? Wouldn't that have dire consequences?
Perrin: Not dire enough for me. It would take a lot more direness to keep me from my Faile. Bring on your worst, RJ!
Tylee: He's asking for it...
Mat: Those ravens are no doubt spies for the Dark One.
Tuon: Superstitious Toy. Wherever did you get such an idea? To the educated, which you are clearly not, this omen is interpreted to mean that a black cat has just walked under a ladder, spilling thirteen grains of salt, and bringing bad luck.
Mat: That makes a lot more sense. Wait, did you see that? That peddler just sunk into an ancient city that appeared out of nowhere. You don't see that every day... Say, Thom, care to share that with the rest of the class?
Thom: I was told not to give you this letter until you asked for it.
Mat: Why else would you give it to me? Wait a minute, that sounds like Aes Sedai logic--I have a bad feeling about this... [reading]
Moiraine's Letter: I'll be as brief as possible. Mat, I know you will come here to rescue me (even though "here" is not where I am now, but where I know I will be when you read this), so I'm telling you to do just that, even though I already know you will do it. Unless you decide not to, in which case you will do it anyway. So, really there's no point to my writing this letter, but I will anyway because it amuses me. Remember the game of Snakes and Foxes, Mat, particularly the part about the impossibility of winning--that should help you. Finally, to all of you fans who thought I was dead: Did you really think the Lady trapped in the Tower cliché wouldn't come up eventually in this story, more than once?
Moiraine
Mat: Burn me to bloody burning ashes!
Tuon: Hey, Mat, I've got an idea.
Mat: Oh, no.
Tuon: I want to visit these curious places you call hells. They sound pretty neat!
Mat: I'll take her to a quaint little country bed-and-breakfast--she won't know the difference. [arriving] Ooh, this place is scary! Ruffians might kill us or something.
Thom: I've got bad news, Mat. The Seanchan are looking for Tuon.
Mat: Strange, it's all been good news up until now. Well, we'd better be going before someone tries to kill us.
Assassins: We're here to kill you. [aside to readers] Remember when Moridin told the Forsaken to kill Mat and Perrin?--this is it, kids. [to Mat] Prepare to die!
Thom: [watching Selucia killing assassins] Where do I get a bodyguard like that?
Mat: Is that all of them? Good. Well, on to the next adventure...
Tuon: That hell was very disappointing, Toy. Back in Seanchan on a slow day I face three times as many assassins before breakfast.
Perrin: We're here for your forkroot. Here's a letter from the High Lady which says you must do anything I say.
Seanchan noble: Wait a minute, here's a clause in small print that reads: "...except in the case a man calling himself Perrin Aybara comes and asks for five thousand pounds of forkroot; you can tell him to get lost." I'm sorry sir...
Perrin: Wait a minute, did I say my name was Perrin? How silly of me! That's the name of my servant here. My name is Jedediah Smith.
Seanchan noble: Fine. Here's your invoice, Perrin Aybara--pull your wagon around back.
Perrin: That was easier than I was expecting. That must mean someone is going to try to kill me within the next five minutes. [an arrow almost kills him] Doh!
Elayne: Just look at all these goodies! I wonder what this one does? [picking up a small red carving]
Aviendha: Well, I believe it was used for... Never mind Elayne, you don't want to know. People in the Age of Legends sure knew how to have fun, though. It would make a ki'shar blush, I tell you.
Elayne: How did you know that? I wonder... Aviendha, it must be a talent, reading the uses of things. Try this metal cup--I wonder what it does?
Aviendha: Uh, Elayne, it's just a cup.
Elayne: Fascinating. And what about this one? [picking up a glass statue]
Aviendha: Wait! I meant to warn you about that one, Elayne. It turns anything that touches it a rather pretty shade of purple.
Elayne: Ahhh!
Birgitte: The mercenary leaders are waiting, Elayne.
Doilin Mellar: No one knows I'm evil. This is going to be so cool. [leaves]
Mercenaries: We need more money!
Elayne: No--back to work!
Norry: I have a new victim, uh, man, who is "willing" to follow Mellar.
Elayne: Good. Have him brought in after the funeral arrangements are ready.
Loial: Rand, what about the time you cleansed Saidin? What happened?
Rand: Well, Loial, there I was, surrounded by what seemed a million Trollocs and Myrdraal, all of the surviving Forsaken, every army the Shadow had to send against me. Alone I stood, spears and swords and arrows flashing all around me, lightning shooting down out of a clear blue sky. Faced with certain destruction, I calmly raised my hand and channeled an awesome weave of earth. The ground erupted on all sides, swallowing up the Shadow's armies in an instant. Then, before I took my next breath, I savagely ripped the taint from Saidin and hurled it down to the city below, and both were annihilated in a huge explosion that knocked me backwards through the air for many leagues. When I came to my senses, I surveyed my handiwork and proceeded on to my next impossible task.
Loial: This is good stuff!
Nynaeve: Rand al'Thor!
Cadsuane: Boy, what do you think you're doing making a treaty with these invaders?
Rand: Some strange people in another world told me to--sort of. They were kind of sneaky and evil-looking, and once almost killed Mat, but I think it was a safe gamble to hang the fate of the entire world on a riddle from some alien beings with an unknown agenda.
Cadsuane: Why don't we just save time and submit outselves to the Shadow right now?
Rand: Let's see... I've got my Crown, my Scepter, my lucky rabbit's foot. Have I forgotten anything? Well, I'd better be going before I'm late for my trap.
Alivia: This Daughter of the Nine Moons is the Empress' daughter, and heir to the Seanchan empire.
Rand: I wish Mat were here. He always knew how to talk to strange women. [speaking to Fake Tuon] So, you must be that Nine Moons person who couldn't possibly be a disguised Forsaken, despite my previous encounters with same.
Fake Tuon: No... I mean yes. Wait! What's happening to my disguise? You've seen through my brilliant deception, but you won't live to tell about it. This fireball should take care of you, but in case it doesn't I have several other somewhat-less-than-deadly weaves ready, any one of which you have little hope of surviving. Well, maybe a little hope, but you couldn't be that lucky. Take that!
Rand: Arg! I needed that for stuff, you know! Why does every mythological parallel involving mutilated body parts always seem to happen to me! [blacks out]
[some time later]
Rand: [wakes up] Not the eyes, too!
Faile: Ok, we're off to settle the deal with Galina. Snooping girl--tied up: check. White rod: check. Oh, here's Galina.
Galina: If it doesn't seem too suspicious, let's duck into this ruined house conveniently situated nearby. How about you go down into the basement to check for spies while I wait here with the rod? I'll just close the door while you're down there. The sound you now hear is not the click of me turning the lock, nor do you hear me pushing several large pieces of furniture against the door...
Aram: It's all clear to me now, Perrin. You have yellow eyes. Wolves have yellow eyes. Wolves have sharp teeth. Pointy rocks are sharp. Rocks are made of sand. Sand is often found near the ocean. Ships sail on the ocean ... [three hours later] ... And that's how I concluded you're evil, Perrin.
Perrin: You're loony.
Aram: No, it's all very logical. I'll start from the beginning... [an arrow kills him]
Perrin: Not a moment too soon.
Galina: Now to make a hasty exit...
Therava: There's my little Lina! Come along, you'll make an excellent companion for my pet gara, Spikey, when we get back to the Three-fold land. He gets lonely without others of his own kind.
Duhara: Girl, you must return to the White Tower. Your attempted kidnapping was a big misunderstanding, and it won't happen again. Rest assured those responsible have been soundly beaten.
Elayne: If that's so, what's that large chest for, that you just carried in with you?
Duhara: Oh, that's nothing. Just some supplies for our trip back to the Tower.
Elayne: [opening the chest] Then, what are these nets, ropes, gags, packages of dried forkroot, whips, chains, and handcuffs for?
Duhara: Never mind those. Reds always carry that stuff around with them--it's just standard policy.
Karede: Hello. I'm here to speak to a Thom Merrilin. He's an Aes Sedai agent, and mastermind of a plot to kidnap Tuon.
Thom: So, you have found my secret hideout. Yes, it was I who left the false trail that you have so masterfully avoided. Mat here was just one unwilling pawn in my game, as were the rest of my companions.
Karede: Yes, but it doesn't matter, now that I have you where I want you. Surrender Tuon, and I promise no one will be harmed.
Thom: Ah, you fool! This is not your Daughter of the Nine Moons! [pulling off the false Tuon's disguise]
Karede: Empress!
Thom: [pulling off his own disguise] And now my deception is complete--behold!
Karede: No, it can't be! It's... it's... Narg!
The End
of the Eleventh book of the Wheel of Time